Monday, December 22, 2008

I'd swim the ocean for you

I love you all so much. So much more than I love myself.
I can't begin to describe the immense despair that I'm in. I can't explain.
I don't know why I'm so damn depressed. It's so upsetting. I shouldn't be like this. There aren't bad things in my life. I have everything I need, I don't understand what's wrong.
Christmas is a very hard season for me. That and my birthday are very difficult for me. I get so depressed and I can't figure out why. I really wish I had a solution. I'm physically ill from my head. I can hardly move for my lack of ambition due to this depression.
I'm so sick of this. So tired of it.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Return to reality

I just struck myself. I used to be so well. I'm so not well right now. This summer, I could go for so long, an hour on the elliptical or biking and now, my legs give way after 5 minutes. I mean, I dn't gain weight or anything, I'm just that sick. All my energy and strength is gone. I only have enough for mandatory tasks, any energy that I try to exert past that my body refuses to allow. this is frustrating. i don't know how to fix it.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Black Hair and Shitty Relationships


My hair turned out black and I have blue glasses.

I'm so confused. Men only like me when they're drunk is all anything essentially comes down to though. They say they'd love to date me when they've been drinking, but as soon as they're sober, they just want to sleep with me. *rolls eyes* It pisses me off, honestly. Granted, I'm trying to, not necessarily avoid dating, but, make sure I can be stable on my own before I try to date someone again. It still is frustrating though, that I'm so "fuckable," but just not dateable. I don't know. I assumed I was a fairly pleasant person, I have a good number of friends and whatnot, people take to me quickly... it's just not enough, I suppose. I'm always, like, the backup. Or, the person they were going to get with until so-and-so came along. Or better than that is when everyone else assumes I'm going to start dating someone and they pass me over entirely. I guess I deserve it. Whatever.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Validation via hatemail.

I don't mind if you hate me. That's perfectly fine. As a matter of fact, anyone hating me, makes me feel like more of a person. Larger than life, per se. Getting past the neutrality into real emotions like hate and love, that's real validation. When you pay attention enough to find things about me that you don't like, that means you're paying more attention to me than I am to you. I don't mind anyone hating me. It makes me feel more important than the hater. You have no idea how I am on cloud nine when amoungst a barage of compliments, I find a few lone hate messages. Makes my damn day.

Finding stuff like this:
"ur one of the most self absorbd people ive ver met, u think u hav such a horriblelife, when u hav no clue what a horrible life is. your annoyin when u dont know when to shutup and ur repulsive heres the truth and i am not the only person who feels this way about u. stop actin so obxinous nd u might find that people will stop sayin shit behind ur back"
that's gold for me. For one thing, I just feel so much more intelligent. And otherwise, I just love that someone could be that negative to someone they never talk to. The people I actually talk to, they don't hate me. They're the only people I care for anyways.

A) I'm probably self-absorbed, but who isn't? Whoever tries not to be, they're still being selfless for their own gain. Even someone like Mother Theresa, who spent a large portion of her life helping poor Indians, she gave of herself, and got her name in the books while she was at it.

B) Ha! I never say that my life (my home, my family, my lifestyle, etc) are horrible. The only part I ever bitch about is the part in my head. The part I can't control and the part you can't see. I don't expect anyone to understand or want to see how horrible that part is. Yet I still realise, that other people are still worse off than me in that respect, and I thank God every day for that.

C) I'll shutup when someone else comes up with something intelligent to say.

D) I'm only repulsive to people who don't approve of my lifestyle. It's not even that bad. So, go eat shit, I'm a lot classier than most of the people my age.

E) Obnoxious? This makes me laugh, considering that this was most likely written by a freshman girl who doesn't ever talk to me. Freshman girls are some of the most obnoxious people I've ever met. And people who don't know me, almost always think I'm "obnoxious" before they talk to me, but once they do talk to me, they end up thinking I hung the moon.

F) Talk behind my back all you want, you're talking about me. See if I mind.

Love,
Marlena

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Blood

i can feel the blood in my arms marching
like soldiers.
It wants to get out so bad, but
i can't let it.
i can't.
Because then she wins.
That's not what she wants to happen, but
that's her prize.

i can feel the blood in my arms pounding
like drums.
Skin ready to burst.
i can't let it.
i can't.
Because then i lose, and
it's my time to win.
To win my self-control.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Cannibal Holocaust


I'm being a bitch. When I saw Chris today while driving Afton around, I purposefully flaunted my ability to get whatever I want from men to piss him off. That was a bitch move.

Damn hot guy from Monkey's uncle asked about me today. That was nice. He's pretty.

Watched Cannibal Holocaust and now I for sure won't sleep. That was so traumatizing. I need someone to snuggle. Ha.

I was thinking today how I don't know what I'm gonna say if I have kids. What am I gonna say when/if I have kids and they are old enough to be curious and ask me about all my scars. What if I have daughters and I have to tell them to no be like me? That hurts me. That makes me want to throw up.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Damn, I wish I was your Lover


I was doing so fucking well after therapy on Monday. Tuesday during the day was even alright. After dinner, it went to shit. I brutalized my arm. It upset Charlie and I'm really sorry for that. I didn't realise he cared so much. Today was awful. It made Charlie and Emily feel really bad. I'm sorry. It's torn up to hell though. It's probably the worst I've done.

The POW thing at UF Monday night was only good cos I got to talk with Charlie the whole time. We had this stellar Stream of Conciseness conversation the whole way back and I got such a high from talking to him. It was wonderful. The crash was awful though. Just awful.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Good?

Feeling so much better today than Saturday and Sunday. I was kinda in a pissy mood this morning, but I was fine when I got home and back to cleaning.
Cried during The Secret Life of Bees last night. I figured that I must show emotion vicariously through other people's experiences, real or fictionalized. I don't cry over my situations, but if someone I'm with is crying I can dry, or even in a stupid movie I can cry, but if the same thing happened to me, I couldn't cry. The movie wasn't even fucking sad. I don't know what's wrong with me.
Really nervous about my therapy appointment tomorrow.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Stab




Crap is going down. Jealousy and shit grades.



Good stuff is going down. Lollapalooza plans and cupcakes.



Got sick off of Mac 'n' Cheese and Coke during philosophy and vomited. The school sent me home, but I'm home and drawing my Shrimpy right now. He's a cutie.




Thursday, November 6, 2008

Man O Man


Ah, oh yeah! New and exciting day, though it's coming to a close. People are making horrible decisions, but it doesn't matter, cos I'm playing nice. Craziness is mounting as people come creeping around. Creeping and creeping, you know? Slipping and Sliding and Creeping and Crawling.

I'm really missing a lot of people, but I'm talking to a zillion people too. It's a weird feeling. There are a lot of people around and I still miss everyone! Ahh!

Had to talk about what relationships I felt need work and how I would fix them. I decided that all relationships need work. I know that people change and if I want to keep them around I have to change some things to make it continue to work. No change to the extent where I'm not still essentially Marlena. More of a change how you scoot over to fit someone on a park bench next to you. Just little things. Little things that may irritate get changed. I mean, seriously, what mariied couple of 30 years is EXACTLY THE SAME as they were when they started dating?! That would be ridiculous! Time changes everyone. It's not always a good thing, but it's certainly true. People often fall into ruts, but changes do occur, though they often go unnoticed.

Anywho, I'm really feeling a watercolor set to come up soon!

Stoked!

I'm thinking all sorts of crazy things, like time travel and making my own counrty. I'm such a weirdo.