The jungle is dark but full of diamonds

My eyes are dry. Through all of my agony, I could never have cried.

There aren't enough colors to paint the pictures I want to paint for you.

I'd like to buy some more Goodwill furniture.

I wish I wouldn't let my parents down so. It is really hard for me to have them be angry at me for something I can't control.

I realise, again, that I'll have to get married young. Otherwise, I'd be a complete whore. Isn't it sad that I realise that?

Those Dr. Peale self help tapes just piss me off. They make me feel inferior.

I watched Breakfast at Tiffany's today and realised that I essentially want to grow up to be Audrey Hepburn's character, Holly.

I don't really understand Death of a Salesman.

I'd swim the ocean for you

I love you all so much. So much more than I love myself.
I can't begin to describe the immense despair that I'm in. I can't explain.
I don't know why I'm so damn depressed. It's so upsetting. I shouldn't be like this. There aren't bad things in my life. I have everything I need, I don't understand what's wrong.
Christmas is a very hard season for me. That and my birthday are very difficult for me. I get so depressed and I can't figure out why. I really wish I had a solution. I'm physically ill from my head. I can hardly move for my lack of ambition due to this depression.
I'm so sick of this. So tired of it.

Return to reality

I just struck myself. I used to be so well. I'm so not well right now. This summer, I could go for so long, an hour on the elliptical or biking and now, my legs give way after 5 minutes. I mean, I dn't gain weight or anything, I'm just that sick. All my energy and strength is gone. I only have enough for mandatory tasks, any energy that I try to exert past that my body refuses to allow. this is frustrating. i don't know how to fix it.

Black Hair and Shitty Relationships

My hair turned out black and I have blue glasses.

I'm so confused. Men only like me when they're drunk is all anything essentially comes down to though. They say they'd love to date me when they've been drinking, but as soon as they're sober, they just want to sleep with me. *rolls eyes* It pisses me off, honestly. Granted, I'm trying to, not necessarily avoid dating, but, make sure I can be stable on my own before I try to date someone again. It still is frustrating though, that I'm so "fuckable," but just not dateable. I don't know. I assumed I was a fairly pleasant person, I have a good number of friends and whatnot, people take to me quickly... it's just not enough, I suppose. I'm always, like, the backup. Or, the person they were going to get with until so-and-so came along. Or better than that is when everyone else assumes I'm going to start dating someone and they pass me over entirely. I guess I deserve it. Whatever.

Validation via hatemail.

I don't mind if you hate me. That's perfectly fine. As a matter of fact, anyone hating me, makes me feel like more of a person. Larger than life, per se. Getting past the neutrality into real emotions like hate and love, that's real validation. When you pay attention enough to find things about me that you don't like, that means you're paying more attention to me than I am to you. I don't mind anyone hating me. It makes me feel more important than the hater. You have no idea how I am on cloud nine when amoungst a barage of compliments, I find a few lone hate messages. Makes my damn day.

Finding stuff like this:
"ur one of the most self absorbd people ive ver met, u think u hav such a horriblelife, when u hav no clue what a horrible life is. your annoyin when u dont know when to shutup and ur repulsive heres the truth and i am not the only person who feels this way about u. stop actin so obxinous nd u might find that people will stop sayin shit behind ur back"
that's gold for me. For one thing, I just feel so much more intelligent. And otherwise, I just love that someone could be that negative to someone they never talk to. The people I actually talk to, they don't hate me. They're the only people I care for anyways.

A) I'm probably self-absorbed, but who isn't? Whoever tries not to be, they're still being selfless for their own gain. Even someone like Mother Theresa, who spent a large portion of her life helping poor Indians, she gave of herself, and got her name in the books while she was at it.

B) Ha! I never say that my life (my home, my family, my lifestyle, etc) are horrible. The only part I ever bitch about is the part in my head. The part I can't control and the part you can't see. I don't expect anyone to understand or want to see how horrible that part is. Yet I still realise, that other people are still worse off than me in that respect, and I thank God every day for that.

C) I'll shutup when someone else comes up with something intelligent to say.

D) I'm only repulsive to people who don't approve of my lifestyle. It's not even that bad. So, go eat shit, I'm a lot classier than most of the people my age.

E) Obnoxious? This makes me laugh, considering that this was most likely written by a freshman girl who doesn't ever talk to me. Freshman girls are some of the most obnoxious people I've ever met. And people who don't know me, almost always think I'm "obnoxious" before they talk to me, but once they do talk to me, they end up thinking I hung the moon.

F) Talk behind my back all you want, you're talking about me. See if I mind.

Love,
Marlena

Blood

i can feel the blood in my arms marching
like soldiers.
It wants to get out so bad, but
i can't let it.
i can't.
Because then she wins.
That's not what she wants to happen, but
that's her prize.

i can feel the blood in my arms pounding
like drums.
Skin ready to burst.
i can't let it.
i can't.
Because then i lose, and
it's my time to win.
To win my self-control.

Cannibal Holocaust

I'm being a bitch. When I saw Chris today while driving Afton around, I purposefully flaunted my ability to get whatever I want from men to piss him off. That was a bitch move.

Damn hot guy from Monkey's uncle asked about me today. That was nice. He's pretty.

Watched Cannibal Holocaust and now I for sure won't sleep. That was so traumatizing. I need someone to snuggle. Ha.

I was thinking today how I don't know what I'm gonna say if I have kids. What am I gonna say when/if I have kids and they are old enough to be curious and ask me about all my scars. What if I have daughters and I have to tell them to no be like me? That hurts me. That makes me want to throw up.