Meow yourself to the car

Well shit.
That's about all I can even say anymore. I totally keep fucking stuff up and I have no hope of anyone loving me. So, shit. What am I supposed to do? I've been totally ruined by the people around me. In just the past year, I've lost so much confidence, lost so many friends, so much self worth... People just act shitty to me. It doesn't help either that people don't even bother with me unless they want something from me. And even then, they're jackasses about it.
I'm at my wit's end trying to please people. Especially men because it just really isn't worth it. They all treat me just as something to fuck. And it's irritating. I mean, I know I shouldn't be so easy, but I really am respectable but obviously, I'm wrong about that. And it's not even that whoever had their cock in my last is mean to me. But I only exist when their cock is in me. That's pretty degrading. Even guys I don't know just ignore me. I mean, I get no acknowledgment from anyone. And why the fuck? I'm not ugly. I'm pleasant to everyone. I don't know. I;m just not ever going to be good enough for anyone. I knew when I fucked it up with Chris that that was the end.
I'm crying now. Fuck this.

"they took away the tiger and left a
pussycat
as you meow yourself to your car and
get the fuck out of
there."

stressed

stressed about moving, packing, cleaning, working, school, men, friends, habits, getting hit by other cars, exes, etc, etc, etc, and that I'm not good enough.

Grrrwollll mutha fuckaaa

To an Inconstant One

I LOVED thee once; I'll love no more—
Thine be the grief as is the blame;
Thou art not what thou wast before,
What reason I should be the same?
He that can love unloved again,
Hath better store of love than brain:
God send me love my debts to pay,
While unthrifts fool their love away!

Nothing could have my love o'erthrown
If thou hadst still continued mine;
Yea, if thou hadst remain'd thy own,
I might perchance have yet been thine.
But thou thy freedom didst recall
That it thou might elsewhere enthral:
And then how could I but disdain
A captive's captive to remain?

When new desires had conquer'd thee
And changed the object of thy will,
It had been lethargy in me,
Not constancy, to love thee still.
Yea, it had been a sin to go
And prostitute affection so:
Since we are taught no prayers to say
To such as must to others pray.

Yet do thou glory in thy choice—
Thy choice of his good fortune boast;
I'll neither grieve nor yet rejoice
To see him gain what I have lost:

-Sir Robert Ayton

Stardog Champion

Have fun, stay single.

He prayeth best, who loveth best

No one is capable of understanding that I am incapable of being in a relationship. I don't know why that's so hard to get but apparently it is. I absolutely love the idea of dating and marriage and all that, but when it comes down to it, I am so unprepared for any type of commitment that's it actually laughable. Like, I tell people that going into a relationship and it's always, "no, I've got it. It won't be like that this time." But it always is. Always.

As the common denominator, I think I know the situation best. Sadly.

I so so so so so so so can tell when you lie!

I'm not retarded, thanks. I can't stand anything more than someone who lies to me, actually. The thing is, people take advantage of it because I won't call them out on it, but I know they're doing it. Ugh, and then try to act like nothing is going on by being SUPER nice. Fuck that noise. I ain't stoopid.

Am I fixable by some real attention and talk of sex? One could assume so. How pathetic...

A month yesterday

Til graduation.
So sick of Barack's bullshit. Way to copy Rosario Murillo's speech. Idiot.
Little more than a month til Europe. Thank god.
Even Bush didn't have this many protesters in his first 100 days.

I am writing only in Haiku?

I now write only
In the old form of Haiku.
This is so Fight Club.

Ugh

Being sick blows, and I made funny faces the entire time during prom. I've been making a LOT of play lists lately. I can't figure why it's 'fun' for me, but it's definitely therapeutic.

I really love the song "Sometime Around Midnight" by The Airborne Toxic Event. Thank goodness 102.9 changed it's format to Alt., because otherwise I would have never heard it. But it's a reallllly great song. :)

I've got a pretty bad Icee habit going now. The gas station people look at me like I'm crazy. Ha.

This time change "spring forward" crap has cut my day down. Granted, I was going to wake up late anyways, but still...

The jungle is dark but full of diamonds

My eyes are dry. Through all of my agony, I could never have cried.

There aren't enough colors to paint the pictures I want to paint for you.

I'd like to buy some more Goodwill furniture.

I wish I wouldn't let my parents down so. It is really hard for me to have them be angry at me for something I can't control.

I realise, again, that I'll have to get married young. Otherwise, I'd be a complete whore. Isn't it sad that I realise that?

Those Dr. Peale self help tapes just piss me off. They make me feel inferior.

I watched Breakfast at Tiffany's today and realised that I essentially want to grow up to be Audrey Hepburn's character, Holly.

I don't really understand Death of a Salesman.

I'd swim the ocean for you

I love you all so much. So much more than I love myself.
I can't begin to describe the immense despair that I'm in. I can't explain.
I don't know why I'm so damn depressed. It's so upsetting. I shouldn't be like this. There aren't bad things in my life. I have everything I need, I don't understand what's wrong.
Christmas is a very hard season for me. That and my birthday are very difficult for me. I get so depressed and I can't figure out why. I really wish I had a solution. I'm physically ill from my head. I can hardly move for my lack of ambition due to this depression.
I'm so sick of this. So tired of it.

Return to reality

I just struck myself. I used to be so well. I'm so not well right now. This summer, I could go for so long, an hour on the elliptical or biking and now, my legs give way after 5 minutes. I mean, I dn't gain weight or anything, I'm just that sick. All my energy and strength is gone. I only have enough for mandatory tasks, any energy that I try to exert past that my body refuses to allow. this is frustrating. i don't know how to fix it.

Black Hair and Shitty Relationships

My hair turned out black and I have blue glasses.

I'm so confused. Men only like me when they're drunk is all anything essentially comes down to though. They say they'd love to date me when they've been drinking, but as soon as they're sober, they just want to sleep with me. *rolls eyes* It pisses me off, honestly. Granted, I'm trying to, not necessarily avoid dating, but, make sure I can be stable on my own before I try to date someone again. It still is frustrating though, that I'm so "fuckable," but just not dateable. I don't know. I assumed I was a fairly pleasant person, I have a good number of friends and whatnot, people take to me quickly... it's just not enough, I suppose. I'm always, like, the backup. Or, the person they were going to get with until so-and-so came along. Or better than that is when everyone else assumes I'm going to start dating someone and they pass me over entirely. I guess I deserve it. Whatever.

Validation via hatemail.

I don't mind if you hate me. That's perfectly fine. As a matter of fact, anyone hating me, makes me feel like more of a person. Larger than life, per se. Getting past the neutrality into real emotions like hate and love, that's real validation. When you pay attention enough to find things about me that you don't like, that means you're paying more attention to me than I am to you. I don't mind anyone hating me. It makes me feel more important than the hater. You have no idea how I am on cloud nine when amoungst a barage of compliments, I find a few lone hate messages. Makes my damn day.

Finding stuff like this:
"ur one of the most self absorbd people ive ver met, u think u hav such a horriblelife, when u hav no clue what a horrible life is. your annoyin when u dont know when to shutup and ur repulsive heres the truth and i am not the only person who feels this way about u. stop actin so obxinous nd u might find that people will stop sayin shit behind ur back"
that's gold for me. For one thing, I just feel so much more intelligent. And otherwise, I just love that someone could be that negative to someone they never talk to. The people I actually talk to, they don't hate me. They're the only people I care for anyways.

A) I'm probably self-absorbed, but who isn't? Whoever tries not to be, they're still being selfless for their own gain. Even someone like Mother Theresa, who spent a large portion of her life helping poor Indians, she gave of herself, and got her name in the books while she was at it.

B) Ha! I never say that my life (my home, my family, my lifestyle, etc) are horrible. The only part I ever bitch about is the part in my head. The part I can't control and the part you can't see. I don't expect anyone to understand or want to see how horrible that part is. Yet I still realise, that other people are still worse off than me in that respect, and I thank God every day for that.

C) I'll shutup when someone else comes up with something intelligent to say.

D) I'm only repulsive to people who don't approve of my lifestyle. It's not even that bad. So, go eat shit, I'm a lot classier than most of the people my age.

E) Obnoxious? This makes me laugh, considering that this was most likely written by a freshman girl who doesn't ever talk to me. Freshman girls are some of the most obnoxious people I've ever met. And people who don't know me, almost always think I'm "obnoxious" before they talk to me, but once they do talk to me, they end up thinking I hung the moon.

F) Talk behind my back all you want, you're talking about me. See if I mind.

Love,
Marlena

Blood

i can feel the blood in my arms marching
like soldiers.
It wants to get out so bad, but
i can't let it.
i can't.
Because then she wins.
That's not what she wants to happen, but
that's her prize.

i can feel the blood in my arms pounding
like drums.
Skin ready to burst.
i can't let it.
i can't.
Because then i lose, and
it's my time to win.
To win my self-control.

Cannibal Holocaust

I'm being a bitch. When I saw Chris today while driving Afton around, I purposefully flaunted my ability to get whatever I want from men to piss him off. That was a bitch move.

Damn hot guy from Monkey's uncle asked about me today. That was nice. He's pretty.

Watched Cannibal Holocaust and now I for sure won't sleep. That was so traumatizing. I need someone to snuggle. Ha.

I was thinking today how I don't know what I'm gonna say if I have kids. What am I gonna say when/if I have kids and they are old enough to be curious and ask me about all my scars. What if I have daughters and I have to tell them to no be like me? That hurts me. That makes me want to throw up.

Damn, I wish I was your Lover

I was doing so fucking well after therapy on Monday. Tuesday during the day was even alright. After dinner, it went to shit. I brutalized my arm. It upset Charlie and I'm really sorry for that. I didn't realise he cared so much. Today was awful. It made Charlie and Emily feel really bad. I'm sorry. It's torn up to hell though. It's probably the worst I've done.

The POW thing at UF Monday night was only good cos I got to talk with Charlie the whole time. We had this stellar Stream of Conciseness conversation the whole way back and I got such a high from talking to him. It was wonderful. The crash was awful though. Just awful.

Good?

Feeling so much better today than Saturday and Sunday. I was kinda in a pissy mood this morning, but I was fine when I got home and back to cleaning.
Cried during The Secret Life of Bees last night. I figured that I must show emotion vicariously through other people's experiences, real or fictionalized. I don't cry over my situations, but if someone I'm with is crying I can dry, or even in a stupid movie I can cry, but if the same thing happened to me, I couldn't cry. The movie wasn't even fucking sad. I don't know what's wrong with me.
Really nervous about my therapy appointment tomorrow.